Plot Twists

I saw this on Shauna's blog a while ago and it's been on my mind ever since. I've started to get less weirded out when she writes exactly when I need to hear just because it happens so often. I often seek out quotes from her books for refuge during a particularly rough day. This post was a little bit different. To me, this post was less refuge and more tough love, more conviction. More "oh, yep, right there, that's exactly...yep...okay."

http://shaunaniequist.com/change-the-story/

These are my favorite parts, but please read the entire post using the link!

"So true, right? There are people and situations that take us back to old, old stories, and even though we’re moms now, not children, or even though we’re business owners now, not adolescents, we find ourselves acting out stories that haven’t been true for a long time, or stories that were never true to begin with.

*****

But I’m finding that story and that identity aren’t helpful for me these days. Because what that story really says is, don’t worry, just be friendly and pleasant. Make a joke. Don’t worry about really achieving anything, or doing anything hard, or being great in anyway. What you are is a sidekick, a wing-man, a support character in someone else’s story. What you are is a punchline.

*****

I’m changing the story."

Why did this resonate with me so much? First of all, I understand many things in terms of stories. I think there is some psychology behind concerning the way we learn and process new information, but I don't know enough to tell you about it. What I do know is the counseling theory behind story-telling and re-writing stories. That is called Narrative Therapy and I would often use this orientation with my clients when I was counseling because I liked it so much and felt like it was a versatile approach.

This is the easiest way that Narrative Therapy was ever explained to me:

(Source: http://statland.org/AP/R/RscatR.htm)

I have no idea what this graph is actually for, but I chose it because it shows data points all over the place. Think of each data point of a life experience that has shaped who you are or your identity. Something that is (where you like it or not) a part of your story. Some of them might be things people have called you or done to you. Some of them might be milestones in your life that shaped your identity. Some might be loss or accomplishment. Narrative therapy is (basically) choosing which of these data points to include in our story. Choosing our slope. Re-writing our story. Realizing that some of the more negative experiences in our lives or things that are holding us back are each JUST ONE data point. They don't really get any power until we let them define us, change our slope, become our story. I hope that all makes sense.

Sometimes I notice myself experiencing/reacting to life as though one of my data points were my entire story and I am learning some things about myself in the process. For instance...

My voice matters. Sometimes I skip over all of the experiences/data points in my life that tell me my voice matters and is important, and I revert back to a shyer, withdrawn version of myself from grade school who thought she had little to contribute.

It's okay to fail. Sometimes I forget times when I've failed and the world has not ended and everything has been okay. Instead, I choose to focus on everything that could go wrong if I don't do something perfect. If I looked at each experience as....just that....something to experience and learn/grow from, I would not be so afraid of failing.

I'm strong. I was never strong (in the traditional sense of the word) growing up. I was the least athletic one of my family. But just because I didn't consider myself strong when comparing myself to my family, doesn't mean I'm not. The same goes for other types of strength. Sometimes I feel so surrounded by amazingly strong and independent/self-sufficient people. Just because my strength does not look like their strength, doesn't mean I'm not strong.

What old stories are you living that you'd like to exchange for a new one?