On Positive Psychology and Leadership

Credit: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BpICrSNgdhQ WM OCES

Above is a video I was watching tonight from one of my former professors who is also the VP for Student Affairs at William and Mary. It jumps around a lot, but I was struck by how much it resonated with what I talked about in my last post....especially at the end around 8 min.... #gratitude

Cures for the Comparison Trap: Gratitude and Service

“Generally speaking, the most miserable people I know are those who are obsessed with themselves; the happiest people I know are those who lose themselves in the service of others…By and large, I have come to see that if we complain about life, it is because we are thinking only of ourselves.” Gordon B. Hinckley

So I know this quote comes across pretty harsh. At least when I read it all I could think was "ouch" because this girl has been complaining a lot lately. Not out loud, of course. But in my head it's been a bit of an ongoing whine-fest. I'd like to replace the "those who are obsessed with themselves" with "those who compare themselves to others". It still boils down to selfishness, but is a more accurate description of what I've been doing lately.

I failed at something recently. I didn't talk about it to too many people and don't want to give details because it's not a big deal, but there was something that I was something I was trying to do and I was not able to. I took a risk and failed. Right after that happened, I began comparing myself to others more than usual. I think it was a way I was trying to re-motivate myself to keep on trying and not get discouraged, but telling yourself "Look at all of these other people and how they are not failing like you did" is not the best way to encourage yourself and likely going to backfire.

That's what happened. Comparing myself and my situation to others was a recipe for misery. The reality is: there will always be someone who is 'succeeding' more in any given area than I am. There will always be things that I could improve about myself or situation, BUT it's so easy to mix up "continuously striving to improve" with "never being satisfied where you are". (I like to call it the TWAMP effect because I think many of us over-achieving, perfectionist WM types are prone to falling into this pattern.)

The good news is you don't have to live in this pattern. The lyric "love the one you hold" has been stuck in my head lately from the Mumford and Sons song "Lover of the Light". That lyric (regardless of what it's actually about) makes me think of loving what and where you are in a given moment....loving an investing in what you have. This is gratitude and it's the antidote to the misery that comes with comparison and and the downward spiral of a negative and self-deprecating mentality.

I've been guilty of this. It's very easy to get caught up in the 'race' of D.C./LittleWilliamandMary life sometimes and to feel like what you are doing is so small compared to what others are doing that you must be behind....you must be doing something wrong...right? Gratitude: I am enough. I spend my workweek doing something I love and at the end of the day spending time with people I love. Gratitude: Everything is not perfect right now, but I am enough right now. And using that gratitude to focus outward rather than inward. Gratitude: Things do not always come easily to me, but they come a lot more easily for me than they do for other people. How can I use my skills to help others? Gratitude: I am alive and I have today. What am I going to do with it?

I found some speech by Billy Graham online that says somewhere in it: "We have coveted our neighbor's possessions and called it ambition". I think that really gets at the heart of why comparison cloaked in 'ambition' or other things can be so toxic and why it is hard to recognize. Like I said, I think there is a fine line between wanting to continually improve and grow and entering a persistent state of discontent. So, for now, I'm practicing gratitude...even on the days when it seems like hard work...and I'm looking for ways to serve.

Another Wedding Season Begins...

I guess I'm at the age where I will be going to an increasing amount of wedding events per year for like maybe the next 5 years... This past weekend was a double header with Sara's bridal shower on Saturday afternoon and Mike's high school friend Zibby's wedding that same evening. (Fortunately, they were within driving distance apart.)

We arrived the night before so that Mike could wake up Zibby on the morning of her wedding by blasting bagpipes outside her room. This was all planned out secretly and perfectly executed. 

I left for Sarah's bridal shower later Saturday afternoon and realized that I had completely lost my ability to navigate backroads  as well as my GPS stopped working so it was an adventure getting to the shower. At one point I forded a river and there were miles on gravel roads where I thought I might miss both weddings events.

Such pretty roads to cause such intense anxiety.

Later that evening it was time for Zibby's wedding. She had a gorgeous service in a small traditional chapel and a reception overlooking the VA mountains.

Bride's and groom's cakes.

View of the mountains from the reception.

In the reception tent.

Mike and I at the reception.

The next day (after a long night of driving back into the city), I had a Color Me Rad 5K date with one of my closest friends from high school, Lauren! I could not run due to a foot injury so we walked all 3 miles getting blasted with color along the way. Lauren and I didn't care as we had endless numbers of things to talk about on those 3 miles and could have talked for 10 (that's how it is whenever we get together). It was so fun and maybe next time I can even run!

We survived!

Lauren's boyfriend, Bobby, held our bags during the race.

Later that evening, Mike and I decided to do dinner and a movie because we had been wanting to take me to WiseGuys Pizza which is new near Chinatown. Apparently the best pizza in the city according to Mike, I could not argue with that after tasting it. Their 'buffalo chicken pizza' amazingly tastes just like buffalo wings, but better. I opted for mozzarella and basil with lots of tomato sauce obviously. Then we went to see "This Is The End", the new movie by Seth Rogen and co. It can't really be explained, but it is laugh out loud funny, weird, and shocking. The ending is the absolute best.

WiseGuys. New fave pizza spot.

So a busy weekend meetings tons of new friends and I hope you all had a wonderful weekend too! Going to try to build some relaxing moments into my workweek.

Plot Twists

I saw this on Shauna's blog a while ago and it's been on my mind ever since. I've started to get less weirded out when she writes exactly when I need to hear just because it happens so often. I often seek out quotes from her books for refuge during a particularly rough day. This post was a little bit different. To me, this post was less refuge and more tough love, more conviction. More "oh, yep, right there, that's exactly...yep...okay."

http://shaunaniequist.com/change-the-story/

These are my favorite parts, but please read the entire post using the link!

"So true, right? There are people and situations that take us back to old, old stories, and even though we’re moms now, not children, or even though we’re business owners now, not adolescents, we find ourselves acting out stories that haven’t been true for a long time, or stories that were never true to begin with.

*****

But I’m finding that story and that identity aren’t helpful for me these days. Because what that story really says is, don’t worry, just be friendly and pleasant. Make a joke. Don’t worry about really achieving anything, or doing anything hard, or being great in anyway. What you are is a sidekick, a wing-man, a support character in someone else’s story. What you are is a punchline.

*****

I’m changing the story."

Why did this resonate with me so much? First of all, I understand many things in terms of stories. I think there is some psychology behind concerning the way we learn and process new information, but I don't know enough to tell you about it. What I do know is the counseling theory behind story-telling and re-writing stories. That is called Narrative Therapy and I would often use this orientation with my clients when I was counseling because I liked it so much and felt like it was a versatile approach.

This is the easiest way that Narrative Therapy was ever explained to me:

(Source: http://statland.org/AP/R/RscatR.htm)

I have no idea what this graph is actually for, but I chose it because it shows data points all over the place. Think of each data point of a life experience that has shaped who you are or your identity. Something that is (where you like it or not) a part of your story. Some of them might be things people have called you or done to you. Some of them might be milestones in your life that shaped your identity. Some might be loss or accomplishment. Narrative therapy is (basically) choosing which of these data points to include in our story. Choosing our slope. Re-writing our story. Realizing that some of the more negative experiences in our lives or things that are holding us back are each JUST ONE data point. They don't really get any power until we let them define us, change our slope, become our story. I hope that all makes sense.

Sometimes I notice myself experiencing/reacting to life as though one of my data points were my entire story and I am learning some things about myself in the process. For instance...

My voice matters. Sometimes I skip over all of the experiences/data points in my life that tell me my voice matters and is important, and I revert back to a shyer, withdrawn version of myself from grade school who thought she had little to contribute.

It's okay to fail. Sometimes I forget times when I've failed and the world has not ended and everything has been okay. Instead, I choose to focus on everything that could go wrong if I don't do something perfect. If I looked at each experience as....just that....something to experience and learn/grow from, I would not be so afraid of failing.

I'm strong. I was never strong (in the traditional sense of the word) growing up. I was the least athletic one of my family. But just because I didn't consider myself strong when comparing myself to my family, doesn't mean I'm not. The same goes for other types of strength. Sometimes I feel so surrounded by amazingly strong and independent/self-sufficient people. Just because my strength does not look like their strength, doesn't mean I'm not strong.

What old stories are you living that you'd like to exchange for a new one?

Summer in DC

It's starting to really feel like summer! I know summer classes started at my university a week or so ago and Mike has been out of school for a couple of weeks, but the fact that I've been traveling a lot these past two weekends makes summer seem more real. (Summer for me always means more traveling for weddings, cookouts, visits to friends and family, and vacations.) Other things are making it feel like summer too:

Baseball: On Wednesday, Mike and I met up with some friends at Nats Stadium to watch baseball. While neither Mike nor I are very into baseball, tickets are normally pretty cheap and it's a perfect place to meet up with friends during the week. Mike and I happen to be really into all of the food options at the ball park and opted for bbq, sweet potato fries, and custard. Also, it seems that everyone goes to Nats games so you will likely run into people from college, the office, etc. Now if the Nats could just start winning when I'm there!

Nats field.

Caitlin was hilarious when I tried to take this picture telling me that there was no way she could look attractive in it because she was sitting right beside me. But she definitely looks beautiful and the picture would be incomplete without her!

L to R: Matt, Cori, Dustin, Alex, Kelly, Caitlin. 

Nights out. It's harder to have nights out during the law school year, so I was glad to meet up with Mike after work on Friday for dinner and a night at the Keegan Theatre to see The Full Monty. (I'd found inexpensive tickets online a while ago and it had good reviews.) The Keegan's in Dupont Circle and when I found out it was also National Donut Day and that the only Krispy Kreme in the city is at Dupont Circle, I knew we'd have to stop by and get an appetizer of free donuts. We followed that with dinner at "ShopHouse" (spicy rice and noodle bowls) before the show.

Mike and his free donut.

The show was really awesome! I loved it so much: the actors, the music, the script, the comedy, the message (there was a lot about positive body image in there). It was a super long show, but I was laughing/crying until the very end.

Museums. Shannan and David were also in the city this weekend. David's studying for the bar while Shannan job searches. We went to a crepe place for brunch (that we discovered with them last summer when they were both in the city) and went to museums after. That is very much a summer routine for us: brunch and museums....and it felt good to spend a weekend in the city finding routine again.

Happy tired.

I've had two exhausted weekends in a row, but all due to tons of fun.

I've been babysitting a lot for the most adorable babies. It's also not a bad side job to supplement the paycheck. (DC is so expensive.) I went home for a Memorial Day cookout and had some awesome homemade barbecue courtesy of my stepdad. I really wish I could replicate it, but I'm just not good at cooking meat (it requires patience because eating it undercooked could potentially kill) so I'm going to let that be MJ's department.

Other new developments: I started a new position at work. It is basically the same, but with a different student caseload. Imagine getting to know 250 students over the course of 9 months and then forget everything because you just have to learn 250 new students all over again. It's......a lot.

Mike started his summer internship and has a 9-5ish schedule. This is really weird after an exam period where he was working on something every evening and weekend. And it has been so nice. I still haven't gotten used to it. There is also a lot less pressure on Mike now as he has (basically......pending medical clearance) landed a job as a navy lawyer after graduation. (I know that seems so far away, but think about how quickly this school year went by!) The real term for this is JAG. I brag about Mike all the time so I have no problem saying that I'm so incredibly proud and excited for him because there was essentially a 4% chance of him getting this job. It was also the only job he wanted. The navy is so lucky to have him and I know he will look super cute in his uniform. (Side note: My sorority's symbol is an anchor and now I have even more reason to stock up on nautical-themed everything.)

I've also started going to a gym again. I've been to Bodypump again twice since joining the gym and am so excited to start feeling strong again! I also believe I may have a stress fracture in my foot that will keep me sidelined from running for a while so hopefully the gym will provide alternative options.

I saw from friends from high school last night and, whenever I get together with them, it is like no time has passed at all. I love that feeling.

I'm finding out that Mike and I have quite the summer of weddings coming up and I'm excited to take some time off in the coming months to celebrate milestones in the lives of our friends.

That's everything that's been going on and here are some pictures!

Mike sitting in traffic on the way to the country. This is why I'm glad I don't live in NOVA and why I'm glad Mike was driving!

First he built me a closet and now baby shelves to hold makeup. I almost cried.

Ben's Chili Bowl is THE ONLY WAY to end a night at U street.

Gelati from Steak & Ice. Go there now. You have no idea.

Thank You card from one of my students who works at Louis Vuitton. So sweet.

Harper trying to be sneaky behind Mike's new Fez (Doctor Who hat).

My goal is to stay present in this work week and not just wait for it to end:)!

The past 24 hours.

Dang. I had wanted my next post to be a recap about everything wonderful that accompanies the end of the semester and graduation, but then the past 24 hours happened and was too.....weird....not to share immediately.

It all started last night.

Kennedy Center Detour

Mike and I had tickets to see a tribute to Stephen Schwartz at The Kennedy Center while looking for parking we may have a wrong right turn onto a ramp that put us immediately on I-66 West and taken another wrong right turn that took us down the George Washington Parkway where we couldn't turn around for 5 miles and then it was just a U-turn to eventually journey back past The Kennedy Center where we ended up paying to park instead.

Beautiful cloudy view from The Kennedy Center patio.

The show was absolutely wonderful! It was conducted by Steve Reineke (who is the most entertaining conductor I've ever seen) and vocalists included Jeremy Jordan, Norm Lewis, Julia Murney (who has played Elphaba in Wicked), and Jennifer Laura Thompson (who has played Glinda in Wicked). There was a full orchestra and also The Washington Chorus to round out the live music experience.

Jeremy Jordan is just....a phenomenal singer and I will definitely look forward to seeing him in The Last Five Years (coming out this year, I think) starring opposite Anna Kendrick. My favorite arrangements were the animated movie medley which featured "Colors of the Wind"from Pocahontas  and "When You Believe" from The Prince of Egypt and "Wicked: A Fable for Orchestra". I also really enjoyed the music from Schwartz's musical Children of Men so i'll probably be looking into that.

Bug, Bed Frame

After the show at Mike's place I spotted a bug that needed to be killed immediately. It went underneath Mike's bed and I asked Mike if he had a flashlight because I was to scared to randomly aim into the darkness. Mike did not have a flashlight, but someone had placed some really weird small lights on his desk and he decided that would do the trick. Helpful, because I kill the bug. After killing the bug, I notice that me moving the bed frame has slightly broken the bed frame and we plot ways how to fix this new problem.

Halogen

While we're plotting, I ask Mike if he smells something burning. He says no. Approximately one minute later, Mike says he smells something burning now and he runs to the light that was left on the floor. When he lifts it off the floor, we discover it has burned a hole straight through the carpet by melting the upper layer. Our first reaction is: What is this thing that we used as a flashlight because we've never seen a light do that....Our second is: resignation and hopeful for a better tomorrow....

Good things: The bug died, we figured out how to fix the bed, and we learned the light was a halogen light and that you should pretty much never use one ever because it's scary and melts things!

...but there were still lessons to be learned...

The result of having a halogen lamp near your carpet. Don't do it, kids.

Car

Sunday, Mike and I had plans to meet up with Alex and Kelly for brunch at Le Grenier, a new french restaurant on H street that has been getting great reviews. Brunch with Kellex is always the best. Kelly and I talked about how Jeremy Jordan was the first Jack Kelly from The Newsies. We learned that Kelly had an Elmo stuffed animal when she was little that perished from halogen lamp contact. We all talked about the new Star Trek movie and started planning the next location for NYE reunion. Mike and Alex tried to talk Kelly and I into going to see some really nerdy alien war movie or something? The food was amazing! However, I had to leave after about an hour and a half because I was going to see The Great Gatsby with Sara and Davia.

Brunch Bunch does Le Grenier.

When Mike and I got back to my car after saying our goodbyes, this random lady approached me asking if it was my car. I told her yes and she said it had been broken into. I guess I had to walk over to the other side of the vehicle to see that my front passenger window had been shattered. Wow. I had left my laptop and my giant coach purse in the car because I was going to babysit after the movie. We were parked two blocks from the restaurant. We had been gone for a little under 2 hours. We had parked in a really nice sunny flower-y neighborhood in DC in the middle of the day on a Sunday. And I couldn't believe I had come back to this.

This was clearly a tight knit community because I had people coming out of their houses offering me their phones and water and saying that they had called the cops and telling me these kind of crimes had actually been happening in the area. My purse was missing from the car and I had wanted to check my laptop bag that was still in the car, but one bystander told me to wait until the cops got there. When I mentioned my purse being gone, she said "Oh well, yeah, your laptop's gone." When I had to explain to the cop what was missing, it started to hit me. Mike later said to me that he knew I wasn't upset about the things being stolen, but that I had momentarily "lost my faith in humanity." He knows me well. I just felt violated on such a beautiful sunny day. I know I'd left stuff in my car, but I just didn't expect....this. When I started crying Mike told me: "Remember what Mr. Rogers said? Look for the helpers. There are helpers all around you." And there were. Like random people coming up and touching my hand and getting riled up for me. It made me feel better. That's why, when a young couple who said that they had video surveillance on their door and might have a picture of the suspect in the footage invited us inside (I immediately made Mike call Kelly and Alex to come be there when I found out what had happened), I said yes. Because I just needed to refind my faith in humanity.

Our new friends offered us water, an adorable yappy dog names Ziggy, and a chance to feel some control in the situation as we sifted through video clips from their camera playing detective. Then we found the guy on the tape! He had my beige coach purse! I saw him walk away with it! How could he just do that? We called the cop in to give him the guy's description and then decided to take my car someplace safe until we could get the window fixed. Upon getting back in the car, we noticed that my laptop bag did not look empty and in fact did still have my laptop in it. (Okay I know we should have checked that first, but there was a lot going on and it was assumed the thief would take the most valuable thing in the car!) We tell the cops and our new friends and I feel very lucky. I call my mom to tell her what had happened and, after telling her I had only books and notebooks and pens and a water bottle in my purse, she says that sometimes these guys will just throw it in a trash can after they see there is no money in it.

Well....

After getting back to Mike's place less than 2 hours after this craziness began, I get a call from a man in DC who found my purse in his recycling can (I had my phone number in a journal inside of it). We retrieve my purse with everything in it.

Thus, as it happens, the only losses from the past 24 hours include:

• a small section of destroyed carpet (which we can cover until it is eventually replaced)
• an unstable bed frame (which we were able to fix)
• a detour to VA on our trip to the Kennedy Center (which took us down the beautiful GW Parkway)
• missing Gatsby
• a $250 window replacement

Thus, as it happens, gains from the past 24 hours include:

• goosebumps from listening to Stephen Schwartz's music played live
• a run to the new time exhibit at the Air and Space museum the morning of the brunch
• tasting the best (according to me) smoked salmon eggs benedict I've had in the city
• making friends with almost an entire street of people
• a lesson in locking valuables in the trunk, using icloud and the findmymac app to locate your computer if it's stolen, always having your computer serial number, always checking the laptop bag and accounting for everything
• learning that no matter how bad your day has been, there are always going to be helpers to look for