On Positive Psychology and Leadership

Credit: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BpICrSNgdhQ WM OCES

Above is a video I was watching tonight from one of my former professors who is also the VP for Student Affairs at William and Mary. It jumps around a lot, but I was struck by how much it resonated with what I talked about in my last post....especially at the end around 8 min.... #gratitude

Cures for the Comparison Trap: Gratitude and Service

“Generally speaking, the most miserable people I know are those who are obsessed with themselves; the happiest people I know are those who lose themselves in the service of others…By and large, I have come to see that if we complain about life, it is because we are thinking only of ourselves.” Gordon B. Hinckley

So I know this quote comes across pretty harsh. At least when I read it all I could think was "ouch" because this girl has been complaining a lot lately. Not out loud, of course. But in my head it's been a bit of an ongoing whine-fest. I'd like to replace the "those who are obsessed with themselves" with "those who compare themselves to others". It still boils down to selfishness, but is a more accurate description of what I've been doing lately.

I failed at something recently. I didn't talk about it to too many people and don't want to give details because it's not a big deal, but there was something that I was something I was trying to do and I was not able to. I took a risk and failed. Right after that happened, I began comparing myself to others more than usual. I think it was a way I was trying to re-motivate myself to keep on trying and not get discouraged, but telling yourself "Look at all of these other people and how they are not failing like you did" is not the best way to encourage yourself and likely going to backfire.

That's what happened. Comparing myself and my situation to others was a recipe for misery. The reality is: there will always be someone who is 'succeeding' more in any given area than I am. There will always be things that I could improve about myself or situation, BUT it's so easy to mix up "continuously striving to improve" with "never being satisfied where you are". (I like to call it the TWAMP effect because I think many of us over-achieving, perfectionist WM types are prone to falling into this pattern.)

The good news is you don't have to live in this pattern. The lyric "love the one you hold" has been stuck in my head lately from the Mumford and Sons song "Lover of the Light". That lyric (regardless of what it's actually about) makes me think of loving what and where you are in a given moment....loving an investing in what you have. This is gratitude and it's the antidote to the misery that comes with comparison and and the downward spiral of a negative and self-deprecating mentality.

I've been guilty of this. It's very easy to get caught up in the 'race' of D.C./LittleWilliamandMary life sometimes and to feel like what you are doing is so small compared to what others are doing that you must be behind....you must be doing something wrong...right? Gratitude: I am enough. I spend my workweek doing something I love and at the end of the day spending time with people I love. Gratitude: Everything is not perfect right now, but I am enough right now. And using that gratitude to focus outward rather than inward. Gratitude: Things do not always come easily to me, but they come a lot more easily for me than they do for other people. How can I use my skills to help others? Gratitude: I am alive and I have today. What am I going to do with it?

I found some speech by Billy Graham online that says somewhere in it: "We have coveted our neighbor's possessions and called it ambition". I think that really gets at the heart of why comparison cloaked in 'ambition' or other things can be so toxic and why it is hard to recognize. Like I said, I think there is a fine line between wanting to continually improve and grow and entering a persistent state of discontent. So, for now, I'm practicing gratitude...even on the days when it seems like hard work...and I'm looking for ways to serve.

Another Wedding Season Begins...

I guess I'm at the age where I will be going to an increasing amount of wedding events per year for like maybe the next 5 years... This past weekend was a double header with Sara's bridal shower on Saturday afternoon and Mike's high school friend Zibby's wedding that same evening. (Fortunately, they were within driving distance apart.)

We arrived the night before so that Mike could wake up Zibby on the morning of her wedding by blasting bagpipes outside her room. This was all planned out secretly and perfectly executed. 

I left for Sarah's bridal shower later Saturday afternoon and realized that I had completely lost my ability to navigate backroads  as well as my GPS stopped working so it was an adventure getting to the shower. At one point I forded a river and there were miles on gravel roads where I thought I might miss both weddings events.

Such pretty roads to cause such intense anxiety.

Later that evening it was time for Zibby's wedding. She had a gorgeous service in a small traditional chapel and a reception overlooking the VA mountains.

Bride's and groom's cakes.

View of the mountains from the reception.

In the reception tent.

Mike and I at the reception.

The next day (after a long night of driving back into the city), I had a Color Me Rad 5K date with one of my closest friends from high school, Lauren! I could not run due to a foot injury so we walked all 3 miles getting blasted with color along the way. Lauren and I didn't care as we had endless numbers of things to talk about on those 3 miles and could have talked for 10 (that's how it is whenever we get together). It was so fun and maybe next time I can even run!

We survived!

Lauren's boyfriend, Bobby, held our bags during the race.

Later that evening, Mike and I decided to do dinner and a movie because we had been wanting to take me to WiseGuys Pizza which is new near Chinatown. Apparently the best pizza in the city according to Mike, I could not argue with that after tasting it. Their 'buffalo chicken pizza' amazingly tastes just like buffalo wings, but better. I opted for mozzarella and basil with lots of tomato sauce obviously. Then we went to see "This Is The End", the new movie by Seth Rogen and co. It can't really be explained, but it is laugh out loud funny, weird, and shocking. The ending is the absolute best.

WiseGuys. New fave pizza spot.

So a busy weekend meetings tons of new friends and I hope you all had a wonderful weekend too! Going to try to build some relaxing moments into my workweek.

Plot Twists

I saw this on Shauna's blog a while ago and it's been on my mind ever since. I've started to get less weirded out when she writes exactly when I need to hear just because it happens so often. I often seek out quotes from her books for refuge during a particularly rough day. This post was a little bit different. To me, this post was less refuge and more tough love, more conviction. More "oh, yep, right there, that's exactly...yep...okay."

http://shaunaniequist.com/change-the-story/

These are my favorite parts, but please read the entire post using the link!

"So true, right? There are people and situations that take us back to old, old stories, and even though we’re moms now, not children, or even though we’re business owners now, not adolescents, we find ourselves acting out stories that haven’t been true for a long time, or stories that were never true to begin with.

*****

But I’m finding that story and that identity aren’t helpful for me these days. Because what that story really says is, don’t worry, just be friendly and pleasant. Make a joke. Don’t worry about really achieving anything, or doing anything hard, or being great in anyway. What you are is a sidekick, a wing-man, a support character in someone else’s story. What you are is a punchline.

*****

I’m changing the story."

Why did this resonate with me so much? First of all, I understand many things in terms of stories. I think there is some psychology behind concerning the way we learn and process new information, but I don't know enough to tell you about it. What I do know is the counseling theory behind story-telling and re-writing stories. That is called Narrative Therapy and I would often use this orientation with my clients when I was counseling because I liked it so much and felt like it was a versatile approach.

This is the easiest way that Narrative Therapy was ever explained to me:

(Source: http://statland.org/AP/R/RscatR.htm)

I have no idea what this graph is actually for, but I chose it because it shows data points all over the place. Think of each data point of a life experience that has shaped who you are or your identity. Something that is (where you like it or not) a part of your story. Some of them might be things people have called you or done to you. Some of them might be milestones in your life that shaped your identity. Some might be loss or accomplishment. Narrative therapy is (basically) choosing which of these data points to include in our story. Choosing our slope. Re-writing our story. Realizing that some of the more negative experiences in our lives or things that are holding us back are each JUST ONE data point. They don't really get any power until we let them define us, change our slope, become our story. I hope that all makes sense.

Sometimes I notice myself experiencing/reacting to life as though one of my data points were my entire story and I am learning some things about myself in the process. For instance...

My voice matters. Sometimes I skip over all of the experiences/data points in my life that tell me my voice matters and is important, and I revert back to a shyer, withdrawn version of myself from grade school who thought she had little to contribute.

It's okay to fail. Sometimes I forget times when I've failed and the world has not ended and everything has been okay. Instead, I choose to focus on everything that could go wrong if I don't do something perfect. If I looked at each experience as....just that....something to experience and learn/grow from, I would not be so afraid of failing.

I'm strong. I was never strong (in the traditional sense of the word) growing up. I was the least athletic one of my family. But just because I didn't consider myself strong when comparing myself to my family, doesn't mean I'm not. The same goes for other types of strength. Sometimes I feel so surrounded by amazingly strong and independent/self-sufficient people. Just because my strength does not look like their strength, doesn't mean I'm not strong.

What old stories are you living that you'd like to exchange for a new one?

Summer in DC

It's starting to really feel like summer! I know summer classes started at my university a week or so ago and Mike has been out of school for a couple of weeks, but the fact that I've been traveling a lot these past two weekends makes summer seem more real. (Summer for me always means more traveling for weddings, cookouts, visits to friends and family, and vacations.) Other things are making it feel like summer too:

Baseball: On Wednesday, Mike and I met up with some friends at Nats Stadium to watch baseball. While neither Mike nor I are very into baseball, tickets are normally pretty cheap and it's a perfect place to meet up with friends during the week. Mike and I happen to be really into all of the food options at the ball park and opted for bbq, sweet potato fries, and custard. Also, it seems that everyone goes to Nats games so you will likely run into people from college, the office, etc. Now if the Nats could just start winning when I'm there!

Nats field.

Caitlin was hilarious when I tried to take this picture telling me that there was no way she could look attractive in it because she was sitting right beside me. But she definitely looks beautiful and the picture would be incomplete without her!

L to R: Matt, Cori, Dustin, Alex, Kelly, Caitlin. 

Nights out. It's harder to have nights out during the law school year, so I was glad to meet up with Mike after work on Friday for dinner and a night at the Keegan Theatre to see The Full Monty. (I'd found inexpensive tickets online a while ago and it had good reviews.) The Keegan's in Dupont Circle and when I found out it was also National Donut Day and that the only Krispy Kreme in the city is at Dupont Circle, I knew we'd have to stop by and get an appetizer of free donuts. We followed that with dinner at "ShopHouse" (spicy rice and noodle bowls) before the show.

Mike and his free donut.

The show was really awesome! I loved it so much: the actors, the music, the script, the comedy, the message (there was a lot about positive body image in there). It was a super long show, but I was laughing/crying until the very end.

Museums. Shannan and David were also in the city this weekend. David's studying for the bar while Shannan job searches. We went to a crepe place for brunch (that we discovered with them last summer when they were both in the city) and went to museums after. That is very much a summer routine for us: brunch and museums....and it felt good to spend a weekend in the city finding routine again.

Happy tired.

I've had two exhausted weekends in a row, but all due to tons of fun.

I've been babysitting a lot for the most adorable babies. It's also not a bad side job to supplement the paycheck. (DC is so expensive.) I went home for a Memorial Day cookout and had some awesome homemade barbecue courtesy of my stepdad. I really wish I could replicate it, but I'm just not good at cooking meat (it requires patience because eating it undercooked could potentially kill) so I'm going to let that be MJ's department.

Other new developments: I started a new position at work. It is basically the same, but with a different student caseload. Imagine getting to know 250 students over the course of 9 months and then forget everything because you just have to learn 250 new students all over again. It's......a lot.

Mike started his summer internship and has a 9-5ish schedule. This is really weird after an exam period where he was working on something every evening and weekend. And it has been so nice. I still haven't gotten used to it. There is also a lot less pressure on Mike now as he has (basically......pending medical clearance) landed a job as a navy lawyer after graduation. (I know that seems so far away, but think about how quickly this school year went by!) The real term for this is JAG. I brag about Mike all the time so I have no problem saying that I'm so incredibly proud and excited for him because there was essentially a 4% chance of him getting this job. It was also the only job he wanted. The navy is so lucky to have him and I know he will look super cute in his uniform. (Side note: My sorority's symbol is an anchor and now I have even more reason to stock up on nautical-themed everything.)

I've also started going to a gym again. I've been to Bodypump again twice since joining the gym and am so excited to start feeling strong again! I also believe I may have a stress fracture in my foot that will keep me sidelined from running for a while so hopefully the gym will provide alternative options.

I saw from friends from high school last night and, whenever I get together with them, it is like no time has passed at all. I love that feeling.

I'm finding out that Mike and I have quite the summer of weddings coming up and I'm excited to take some time off in the coming months to celebrate milestones in the lives of our friends.

That's everything that's been going on and here are some pictures!

Mike sitting in traffic on the way to the country. This is why I'm glad I don't live in NOVA and why I'm glad Mike was driving!

First he built me a closet and now baby shelves to hold makeup. I almost cried.

Ben's Chili Bowl is THE ONLY WAY to end a night at U street.

Gelati from Steak & Ice. Go there now. You have no idea.

Thank You card from one of my students who works at Louis Vuitton. So sweet.

Harper trying to be sneaky behind Mike's new Fez (Doctor Who hat).

My goal is to stay present in this work week and not just wait for it to end:)!